I haven’t written in a while. I’ve started a bunch of drafts, but have never wanted to publish them.
Quick update: Still sober, still into it. It’ll be 6 months on March 8th (I’ve got an alert on my calendar from back in the days when I was just starting and 6 months felt like a lifetime). Good things happening in my life, general not-being-a-fuck-up behavior is more frequent than being-a-fuck-up behavior.
That said, I’m fucked up.
I’m sober, but I’m all twisted up about food and I don’t know if I’m actually kind of fine or headed down a slippery slope.
So I’ve lost about 22 pounds since I gave up drinking. It’s a lot of weight to have lost. I’m short, and I had a normal BMI to begin with. I still have a normal BMI, although it’s verging on the very low side.
I’m a former actor turned writer. Anyone who’s a woman who’s been an actor knows that in that world, it’s pretty hard to ever feel like you’re too thin.
Anyway I’m getting to that point where people are starting to tell me not to lose any more weight. I have a history with anorexia and bulimia that got me hospitalized in high school, but I haven’t really had a problem with eating since my early 20s (I’m almost 35). But something about the sobriety has sparked me restricting my food again.
The day I stopped drinking, I felt like all my desire, all my cravings just ceased. Like along with my disgust at drinking I became disgusted with all consumption.
This translated into weight loss. It has been easy to make the weight loss seem normal because of the stopping drinking (When people comment on my weight loss I shrug and jokingly tell people, “I stopped drinking, which tells you how much I was drinking”).
And my eating has not been the kind of restricting where I eat lettuce leaves and nothing else, but rather the kind of restricting in which I’ll have a couple bites of stew here, a couple of cheese and crackers there, a slice of cake for breakfast and then not much until dinner. In short, I eat small amounts of incredibly rich foods. I often don’t eat very much until late in the day to avoid consuming too much. It’s not very healthy.
But it’s also not terrible. I just see the potential of it getting terrible. It’s so different from my teenage and early-20’s disordered eating that I don’t know what to make of it. I already have passed my goal weight that I’ve had in my mind since the birth of my daughter, and I catch myself bandying about lower and lower goal weights, like “wouldn’t it be cool if you weighed this?” etc. etc.
Part of me wonders if I just don’t pass any judgment on this eating thing, if I just wait it out, then my system will right itself. Part of me just believes I should get myself to eat more vegetables. Lots of me believes that I need to get myself to a therapist to help with this whole sobriety thing, but I don’t have the time or the money.
So many people talk about the weight loss that comes with stopping drinking. It’s an incentive, naturally, but for me it’s becoming a distraction. I really didn’t want to be the kind of person in recovery who downed a pint of ice cream every night, but that’s because I spent so much time binging and purging in my teens and 20s that I seriously feel like that situation is all played out for me.
This whole situation is new, though. I can’t say I’m not excited about being thin again. I am. And I can’t say that I don’t want to hang on to this weight loss. I do. But I don’t want to go into yet another recovery process.
Anyone out there get weird about food when you stopped drinking? How did you work it out?